Season 5 uneven

I watched 3 episodes before I left for work in the morning, and they were SO bad. The only bright spot I remember was when Steve Holt joined his cousins for a road trip to Mexico, but after a while he left, and then the plot became meandering and baffling. For hours at work I had time to stew on how much I hated those 3 episodes, and to dread how bad the rest would be. However, when I came home and finished the half-season, it was better. Well episode 4 still sucked, but then episode 5 finally clicked somewhere around the underwater scene. They finally started addressing Buster's storyline and Lucille 2's disappearance after postponing it with Michael's shitshow missing person plan, just as bad as his roommate voting plan in season 4. Why would you delay such an important plot?

It also took awhile for Gob's Tony Wonder plot to get going, because they had that Beard woman, in a head brace, with no explanation given whatsoever. And they had Sally Sitwell and Tony Wonder leave town, and I was so afraid they wouldn't come back, but eventually they did. But that just makes me angrier at Mitch that he front-loaded the season with the off-putting crap, and made us wade through it to get to the good parts.

And there's still plenty of baffling choices, unnecessary characters, retcons, and timeline issues. Put fucking dates on your episodes! You didn't used to be too good for dates, Mitch! Don't think that it's disguising your messed up timeline. Lean into the mess and have the Narrator make a joke about how 2012 suddenly turned into 2015 for no earthly reason at all.

SPOILERS

First of all, they inserted new stuff into Michael waking up at the model home post-Cinco, adding John Beard taking away the cameras, Steve Holt fumigating the house, and Michael discovering Buster hiding in the attic. They retconned the punch outside Rebel Alley's place. This time the Narrator says that Michael came with the cactus intending to break up with Rebel. That puts George Michael in the wrong, by punching without letting Michael explain the situation. But in season 4 Michael was the one in the wrong, and he had no intention of breaking up with Rebel Alley. The Narrator argued then that Michael could have claimed he forgot due to the roofie. Michael instead chose to lie, only to stupidly mention the photo booth and get caught out. In season 4, Michael had every opportunity to explain himself and to open with, "I did know before today, and I came here to break up with her." But now season 5 messes that up. This is fucking cheating.

But at least Michael then goes inside to presumably break up with Rebel Alley. And I thought we were finally done with that plot. But NOOOO! Mitch doesn't want to drop that plot, because it leads into an excuse to feature Ron Howard and family. SHIT. Plus at one point GM tells Maeby, that Rebel was "the love of my dad's life" and feels all guilty. Excuse me? Rebel Alley was in no way "the love of Michael's life". What the fuck gave you that idea? What about your mom Tracey? Michael also was fairly serious about Marta later and also dated Sally Sitwell, weaving fantasies about getting together in high school. There's plenty of candidates for someone George Michael would call "the love of my dad's life" but fucking Rebel Alley that he only dated a few weeks, and just liked because she looked like Tracey? No fucking way.

And then later we learn that Michael didn't technically break up with her. She broke up with him, and he said he "ain't going nowhere" reminiscent of Buster's comment to Ophelia Love in season 4. And we have GM still dancing around Rebel trying to force Rebel to break up with him, because he's too chickenshit to dump her or even tell her the truth about his name or his software. Either commit to a real relationship by coming clean about everything, or fucking dump her. Pick a lane! Fuck this plot that won't die!

Anyway, magic TV time has shifted the 2012 Cinco to 2015 for no reason at all except for a one joke about Trump. If you're not going to have multiple jokes specifically dependent on him (rather than the general wall concept that preceded him), there's no reason to jump to 2015. You could have made a satirical fictional candidate instead, just like Herbert Love was based on Herman Cain. Why the fuck would you screw up timelines just for one wall joke? Also, they keep talking about the July 4th (actually 2nd) parade, while at the same time saying the election is days away. Who holds an election in July? Why couldn't it have been in November, or why can't the characters talk about an upcoming debate/press appearance instead of the election being days away? What the fuck?

At least they gave an explanation about the maca storyline, by discovering the estrogen pills that Lucille had substituted for his viagra. But why would she do that? She was the one having sex with George during the weekly pretend-divorce meetings. Why would she want to emasculate him, knowing that it would mess up his sweat and squeeze scam to pay for the wall? I mean, maybe she couldn't predict it, but in a year of weekly meetings she could hear from George how bad things were going. And after dosing him so long, why would she then accept Oscar as George with no explanation for his sudden vigor? Again, another retcon. Tobias's story was so pathetic and weird. The acting-partner guy appeared out of nowhere, and then suddenly Tobias says that's his son Murphybrown. With no explanation about who's his mother, why didn't Tobias introduce him before, and how they reunited after presumably decades apart. Nothing. All we get is more of Tobias trying to push his acting dream onto his son, like he pushed it onto Debrie. Utterly pointless and unfunny. By the time we actually saw Debrie again, I was so happy and relieved that she was alive after all, and sad that now Tobias was going to talk her into pretending to be Lindsay. You've got a fucking law degree, girl! You know better than to commit fraud like this! You don't need this asshole!

I liked Maeby's storyline, though it seemed at times that they didn't know whether to make her like kissing GM again, or to imply that she liked Stan Sitwell now. They even had a moment when she thought it was paternal, but changed course again. I can't decide what they're doing there. And it's a retcon Maeby saying she already discovered that GM's Fakeblock wasn't real before he fired her. If she really thought it was fake, then why did she push for the launch to happen on Cinco? Doesn't she understand that grift and scams need to be done deliberately, so as not to expose your scheme too soon? She could have milked that Fakeblock for years instead of forcing a blowup. Plus, when he fired her, she could have just gotten revenge by telling the press that Fakeblock wasn't real. She didn't need to engineer sending Michael to Rebel Alley. Another stupid retcon.

In the absence of Tony, Gob was so lonely and always talking about him. He kept buying businesses, but we didn't hear anything about Sudden Valley anymore. The closet conversion guys were supportive, like maybe Hot Cops, though I would have preferred Hot Cops. Tony finally showed up, obviously green-screened in. I was so sad they were talking once again about not seeing each other anymore. But then Tony said there was no trap door and the concrete came out of nowhere. What the fuck? It took a long time for the concrete to fill that closet. Tony should have been able to open the front door before it was too late, or he could have used the closet shelves to climb up and out the top. No quick drying cement I know of would have become solid that quick during Gob's words. Tony can't be dead! Why the fuck would AD do that? If you just needed to write him out because Ben Stiller's not available, then just say he's off on a magic tour to Iraq or something. Why the fuck would you do that, Mitch? Don't break shippers' hearts like that.

Lindsay's plot was so brief, and then she abruptly decided to go find her real birth mother, and we never saw her again. I hope she does come back though. Otherwise she's going to miss the match up against Sally Sitwell. I don't understand why Sally had to disappear for a while, only to come back later. And why does Stan Sitwell argue about the wall being his idea? Just confirmation that Lucille wasn't misreading the blueprints that George discovered? But why didn't Sally reprimand her father, after just calling the wall a terrible thing? Why would Stan want to make money off the wall when his frequent lover Lucille Austero is against it? It just makes no sense character-wise. I was very upset about Maeby's comments about climate change until I realized they were joking that she could only watch Fox at the retirement home, and that twisted her views. Anyway, if Lindsay can't come back, then can't Herbert Love revive from his coma and take back his campaign? Or can't Ophelia Love try running for him instead? There's other ways to make this work.

Anyway I was surprised they did a secret beach cottage, yet didn't go for the model home in Cabo, since they spent so much time in Mexico. (Why the plot about having to sell the Father B land to the Mexican Romneys? Wasn't the land 50 feet away from the border, and thus useless for the wall? Another retcon?) Michael mentioned that Tracey died at the beach cottage. I thought she was in a coma before she died? Did they take her home from the hospital? But why did Michael talk about memories in the cottage as if Tracey were conscious when they were there? Also, in one conversation with Gob, they pity GM for having Lucille for his only mother figure. Lucille? What about Tracey? The first 12 years of GM's life don't count? Lucille only really tried to mother GM when she took him to Motherboy instead of Buster. What about Lindsay's attempt to be motherly (which went wrong of course)? Stop forgetting Tracey, you terrible writers!

Strange that the beach cottage wasn't a Bluth home with shoddy construction. I don't understand the point of Lucille's flirtation with the Dustin character. He turned out to be a lawyer, so that may be important later, but I'd rather hear more about the secrets she keeps hinting at about the past. She says Michael doesn't undertand yet, but doesn't explain. Why don't we get some flashbacks about her? Her story about her pet ostrich, being an "invisible girl" and why she hates brothers colluding?

Anyway, half a season still feels unfinished and unsatisfying. I hope to God the latter half doesn't end on a cliffhanger. I don't want to go through this kind of mishmash again. It's definitely not worth it if they're going to scare us with stuff like Tony Wonder's possible death.